Only 22 or Already 22

I turn 22 today!!

Yes, it is very exciting

Yes, I am still over-enthusiastic about birthdays

However, now, with enthusiasm comes nervousness and a sense of unknown responsibilities.

I am not a teenager anymore 

You must be thinking that I crossed that threshold about four years ago but honestly leaving 19 and entering the 20’s seems the same 

Technically I am an adult now but do I feel like one? 

No

In my head, I am not quite sure of what is expected of me right now. 

Am I supposed to be this mature young lady who knows what she wants (okay maybe yes) or am I supposed to be on a learning curve where I get my experiences from failing at times and standing back up on my feet (also maybe yes because that’s life and no one’s perfect)?

Two scenarios 

Both equally appropriate 

But who gets to make the choice?

The society?

My parents?

My extended family?

My friends?

Or I get to decide that for myself?

Modern age and a progressive world would say ‘it’s your life, you hold its reins.’ 

That’s right 

However, this isn’t some ideal world. 

I believe these two traits - being mature/responsible and still being naive where I have to learn certain things are like sides of a railway track. I have to make sure that I balance on both to avoid derailing from the main focus - being happy and successful in life.

For doing the same I would surely need all the help I can get from all the lovely people by my side. The support of loved ones and their wishes go a long way, more than we give them credit for.

Coming to review the 22 years that I have left behind, am I where I aspire to be?

Honestly, I am not quite sure where or what I see myself doing. 

I am still carving my way ahead with a lot of insecurities and confusion.

I have my parents to guide me, no doubt about that but that one factor that gives you the zeal is somewhere still missing.

On one hand, I feel like I have months to decide on what exactly I want to be doing, and on the other hand, it seems as if I have lost so much of my time in just waiting and procrastinating.

As I am writing this I can feel my anxiety kicking in and trust me the fear of not knowing or the fear of being already left behind in life is somewhat disappointing in itself. 

I am aware that many individuals, the same age as mine are far ahead of where I stand but does that make me a failure?

Some days I feel the same but then I think is this really what defines me? 

We meet a bunch of people every day who have different opinions concerning the above statement but taking actions or considering this as the driving force is what has always been happening when we talk about ‘log kya kahege’

I might be 22 and everyone is expecting me to know how exactly I am working on making myself established. Given the fact that the world has become more competitive now than it ever was, this constant pressure of having mixed feelings and being indecisive is what scared me the most.

Feeling better some days and feeling helpless the other is what I have been going through right now because there are so many mixed emotions - fear, stress, pressure, anxiety, the desire to do something. 

Remember how our parents conveniently treat us like children or adults according to whatever suits the situation at hand! 

That’s exactly what will happen throughout irrespective of however old we become. The fact that we are at an age where certain issues are in our boundary for which we can be held answerable for or seen handling ourselves well but there are plots for which we haven’t been shaped for yet, makes the answer to - 

‘Only 22 or Already 22’

Indefinite….

Note to self: 

Therefore, it's no use putting yourself under excessive strain. As days and years pass by, falling, finding, holding, I am sure I will go about achieving something.